The Journey Back

Death...we all say we know it will come to us one day and yet when it does very few of us are ever prepared. In the past 3 weeks I have lost three family members. Two in the same week and and one about a week and a half after that; various ages, from elderly to middle age to young. As my cousin stood there watching as his grandmother (my aunt) was being buried, I doubt that he had any idea that he too would, only a week and a half a later, be in the same position as her. Death can be somewhat of an oxymoron, as it sheds light on life. What are you doing? How are you living the life you have? With honour, dignity, respect, love, kindness, obedience to Divine guidance? In your absence would you be remembered fondly or missed? Are you living with regret for things that should have not been done or said; or things that should have been done or said? Are you laying the foundation for leaving behind a legacy that would bring continuous goodness for others? Death brings heartache and yet some benefits. It is a time for remembrance and reflection on life....

Makin up (my mind) is hard to do

Wow! my peeps are finally leaving the area for the big relocate. It will be the first time in my life that I have not lived in the same city and state as them. It is bittersweet. It affected me alot more than I realized it would. I do have to make the decision as to whether I plan to temporarily relocate where they are, at the end of this month. I say temporarily because I a planning a more permanent move in the next 3 months GOD-willing, that will put me further away from them, so I am considering spending my last few days with them. I just have so much to consider such as tying up loose ends here mostly financial and I have a few people I need to see and who want to see me before I leave, also I would like to be in a different work environment when I make my big move, and that is also something that is causing a little confusion as the company I am looking to get into is hiring here but they do have other offices across the country just not hiring for the same position I am eligible for... I don't know what the future holds for me in these next coming months. Hopefully things will work out.

A quick excuse

I am becoming a horrible blogger. I don't know what to blame it on because it is a multitude of things, most of which have to do with some life changing decisions I have to make. So of course once again I feel overwhelmed :S On a lighter note, I have found someone to love....again :) Except this time I think it is the real deal. Maybe that is taking a big chunk of my time? hmmm yeah it probably is lol!

Thank You

I have been thinking (there's a first) about the people I have met in my life lately. I have heard on more than one occasion how you can learn something new from everyone you meet, in fact I can even recall a famous quote saying that you should cherish every chance encounter, because each is an opportunity to gain new knowledge....or something to that effect. Anyway it got me thinking that I need to start looking at this and really acting upon it. When I think about it even people that I have had bad relationships or encounters with, it did give me the chance to understand or experience something new (once my anger subsided of course). So to all my friends and enemies I say thank you for giving me the chance to experience the variety in life. I am especially grateful to a few select people, such as my best friends (especially F)--- thank you for allowing me to understand that I don't have to change to find that special loyal friend who will accept me and all my goofy, boring, bizarre, and not so so bizarre moments. To the first guy I ever considered spending my life with, although it did not work out I still say thank you. Before you I had trust issues about men and I had a hard time imagining that I would be able to feel that way, but you changed that. Now I am more open and receptive and appreciative of the opportunity to be with someone who is willing to stand by my side and build a future together and although I have not found him yet, I know that the possibility is there. Thank you. To my third grade teacher Mrs. Patricia Baugh from Camp Allen Elementary---Thank You. You were so instrumental in harnessing my creativity and passion. You made me realize that certain things were possible and acheivable, and you were the only one perceptive enough to notice that I was a blind little bat who desperately needed glasses lol. You were a wonderful teacher and I only hope you can read this and know how much I appreciate the impact you made on me. Lastly to my group of aquaintances those who I know in real life and those who I know thru the net, you are such a group of diverse individuals from different backgrounds and I thank you for allowing me to know a little bit about the many different people who make up this world. Whether we agree or disagree you allow me the chance to expand my knowledge of the world... There is no need to express here my graitude for the lessons and support I have recieved from my family especially my mother (who I have inherited alot of my traits from) because words are not nearly enough. Of course I am aware that anything I have learned and received is a blessing from our exalted creator so I strive to always remember him and remain humble about any knowledge I have gained.

How to deal

Boo hoo I have no internet access right now except for my occasional trips to the library :( so blogging is very difficult to do right now. I am experiencing my usual economic hardships, so nothing new,I am growing extremely weary if this whole scene and looking for a change, I am ready to pack up my things and leave this area although that might be hard to do with no money lol. I really look forward to the day when I can type that my money crisis is over---if that day ever comes......Work--"Wally World how do I despise thee let me count the ways"....At Wally World things never seem to get better only worse; more drama and scandals everyday. I usually try to keep myself at a distance from most of the drama and choose to keep company of a select few, even though I get along with many people there; but because of this I am sometimes accused of being stuck-up, anti-social or shy. The first 2 are definitely not my qualities and the last, is only applicable sometimes. How can you feel at ease at a place where the management is just as much a part of causing drama as the reg. employees? Not to mention the assortment of customers we get. On my way out to lunch last night I had a guy block my car in with his car, so that he could hit on me! I swear sometimes I think I am entering another world when I walk into that store. On a sad note one of my coworkers on my shift was found dead in his home (health related). It was pretty shocking to everyone as most of us had seen him just a night or two before at work and everything seemed fine. One of our other coworkers had been dating him for a couple of months, so she naturally took it hard and took a couple of days off. When she came back it was somewhat awkward as it was hard to approach her because she was very distant, you could see that she did not want anyone talking to her and later she confided in another associate that she had to curse out one employee who called her mobile phone 12 times. Seeing her like that made me think about the process of life and greiving. I remember when my grandfather died I was very sad and it felt like a small part of myself died too and then later when my grandmother died it felt the same way. It's ironic that when someone dies you feel so isolated and alone wih your grief and feel as if you will never get over it, but then someday somehow, with no knowledge of when exactly it happened, you move on. You wake up and suddenly the trees are green again and you can hear the birds chirping and the world has not stop functioning, so you too have to continue to function. Just mentioning that person's name does not bring you to tears anymore. How difficult is it for you to purge that person's immediate existence from you psyche? Their memories now go into the archive of your brain for you to recall when needed and the space that they use to occupy is now filled with new thoughts. I guess it is the basic natural instinct of the human body; to survive. You have to go on living and therefore have to adjust to this change so as not to diminish yourself. Although in some miniscule way it makes me feel guilty, but it is only normal. A few weeks after my grandfather died I wrote this short poem---"You live on inside of me. Some carved wood; some garden greens--a memory of who you use to be." It made my mind feel much more at ease.

What your man gotta do with me?

Recent recurring incidents have prompted me to ask this question: Why is it that men today don't care if you say you are married, engaged, or seeing someone else, they simply reply; "Is it serious?" "Are you committed to him?" "Don't you have room for friends?" A few years ago if I didn't feel like being bothered by someone's advances, I would tell the guy I was with someone else and this would be my sure-fire way to get them to back off, but now....ha! that only seems to intrigue them more like it is a game to win or something! I can't be like some of my friends or sisters and just say "hey I am not interested in you!" or "leave me alone!" I don't know there is this sympathetic gene I have or something, and I don't like to turn people down that harsh, unless a person gets really sarcastic with me; then all bets are off and the darker side of me emerges. Or why do the "playas" think that every woman can be played? Don't they know that there are some women out there who are on to the game? Some people may wonder how this is possible for me to run across this being a Muslim woman, but I am here to tell you that many men will hit on any woman if they find her attractive enough----heck many times looks may not have anything to do with it for some men!

You love me... You really love me!

As I was reading one of my fav. blogs today something that the author said struck a thought or rather peaked my curiosity to think more about a deeper question. He talked about how he had just reached his thirtysomething birthday and was thinking about the milestones he had or had not reached yet. The comment that struck with me was when he said "I need to somehow make my mark on the world." You hear that comment often from many people, and I just wonder what is the ratio of those who actually want to make an impact on the world without much public recognition but for the benefit of doing something for the greater good, as oppose to those who want to make their mark on the world in a way that just gains them popularity and praise from everyone else? Do you give in charity (be that monetary or giving of your personal time) just to have others tell you how generous you are, or for the tax deduction? Are you the type of person who would give a friend the money to save his home from getting foreclosed, but always constantly remind him and others how you saved him from losing his home? I think some level of vanity exists in everyone, but how much do you try to fight the negative connotations it can have? In addition to living my life and being successful for me and my family, I would love to be able to do many different forms of charity, relief work or invent something that will truly benefit the world; that is how I would like to make an impact on the world. But would I be happy still if no one other than those directly affected, know or care that I helped? How important is fame and notoriety to you when determining what you want to do with your life?