Wednesday, May 7, 2008

How to deal

Boo hoo I have no internet access right now except for my occasional trips to the library :( so blogging is very difficult to do right now. I am experiencing my usual economic hardships, so nothing new,I am growing extremely weary if this whole scene and looking for a change, I am ready to pack up my things and leave this area although that might be hard to do with no money lol. I really look forward to the day when I can type that my money crisis is over---if that day ever comes......Work--"Wally World how do I despise thee let me count the ways"....At Wally World things never seem to get better only worse; more drama and scandals everyday. I usually try to keep myself at a distance from most of the drama and choose to keep company of a select few, even though I get along with many people there; but because of this I am sometimes accused of being stuck-up, anti-social or shy. The first 2 are definitely not my qualities and the last, is only applicable sometimes. How can you feel at ease at a place where the management is just as much a part of causing drama as the reg. employees? Not to mention the assortment of customers we get. On my way out to lunch last night I had a guy block my car in with his car, so that he could hit on me! I swear sometimes I think I am entering another world when I walk into that store. On a sad note one of my coworkers on my shift was found dead in his home (health related). It was pretty shocking to everyone as most of us had seen him just a night or two before at work and everything seemed fine. One of our other coworkers had been dating him for a couple of months, so she naturally took it hard and took a couple of days off. When she came back it was somewhat awkward as it was hard to approach her because she was very distant, you could see that she did not want anyone talking to her and later she confided in another associate that she had to curse out one employee who called her mobile phone 12 times. Seeing her like that made me think about the process of life and greiving. I remember when my grandfather died I was very sad and it felt like a small part of myself died too and then later when my grandmother died it felt the same way. It's ironic that when someone dies you feel so isolated and alone wih your grief and feel as if you will never get over it, but then someday somehow, with no knowledge of when exactly it happened, you move on. You wake up and suddenly the trees are green again and you can hear the birds chirping and the world has not stop functioning, so you too have to continue to function. Just mentioning that person's name does not bring you to tears anymore. How difficult is it for you to purge that person's immediate existence from you psyche? Their memories now go into the archive of your brain for you to recall when needed and the space that they use to occupy is now filled with new thoughts. I guess it is the basic natural instinct of the human body; to survive. You have to go on living and therefore have to adjust to this change so as not to diminish yourself. Although in some miniscule way it makes me feel guilty, but it is only normal. A few weeks after my grandfather died I wrote this short poem---"You live on inside of me. Some carved wood; some garden greens--a memory of who you use to be." It made my mind feel much more at ease.

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